Most of the following information is from the first 58 pages of Toward a Growing Marriage by Gary Chapman.

Dating, as we know it in the United States, is not a universal practice. In many cultures, guys and girls meeting together alone would be considered taboo. Although it is not a regular practice in many parts of the world, it most certainly is in ours. And even though there are negative aspects to dating, it also does have its benefits.

One of the primary questions a single Christian can ask himself or herself is: What are the purposes of dating, and what are its pitfalls?

Why date? Here are a few good reasons:

1) To get to know those of the opposite sex, and to learn how to relate to them as unique persons. God made male and female, and it is His purpose that we first relate to each other as individuals before we relate as potential partners.

2) Dating can aid in the development of our own personality. As we relate to others in a dating context, we discover our own personality traits. Our strengths and weakness are exposed. For example, we may need to learn how to better speak the truth in love.

3) Dating can provide an opportunity to minister to other people. The question in any relationship is never simply: What am I going to get out of this relationship? But also, What can I contribute to the life of the one whom I am dating? We are called to minister (Mark 10:45) and to serve (Matthew 20:26, 27).

4) Dating also helps us in the process of finding the kind of person we need as a marriage partner. The ultimate purpose of dating is to find the mate God has for you. Proverbs 3:5, 6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Notice that it does not say we are not to use our understanding, but rather that we are not to lean on it. Human reasoning alone is not to be the center of our decision-making process. Our trust and decision must be on God and His Word.

The pitfalls of dating that we need to be aware of:

1) One of the most common dangers of dating is the increased likelihood that it will lead to physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy and familiarity can easily evolve into physical intimacy. With this in mind, should physical intimacy, on any level, become a part of the dating relationship? Only if the couple is engaged to be married, but even then, there should be boundaries on what physical expressions are acceptable. No sex or heavy petting. Controlled kissing and holding of hands is probably all right. Sexual union, however, sabotages the dating process. If this occurs, the dating couple needs accountability from a committed, mature Christian who can help them reverse this pattern and set new boundaries.

2) Misreading the interest of others. One may be interested romantically, but the other only on a friendship level. This can lead to broken hearts. Open communication must happen from the start.

3) The danger of limiting our dating experience to only one individual. Limited experiences short-cut the process and arrive at our destination too soon, which voids many of life's most enriching experiences.

4) The blindness of romantic love. By getting caught up in the excitement of the romance, couples often fail to see each other as they really are. This is why premarital mentoring or counseling is so crucial before taking the big step of marriage. Love is obviously a good reason to get married, but romantic feelings and good intentions are not usually a strong enough foundation to hold a marriage together. The couple may end up being very disillusioned later in their marriage relationship. Other factors need to be examined to make sure the foundation of the relationship is strong enough to weather the inevitable storms.

5) Attempting to do the impossible. Some Christians fall into the trap of "missionary dating." They believe their unbelieving partner will eventually get saved. Not only is this a very risky premise, but a believer marrying an unbeliever is not sanctioned by God (2 Corinthians 6:14,15).

A model of how to find a mate can be drawn from the account of Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24:1-66.

Principles to be drawn from this account:

1) The Principle of Compatibility.

"Thou shall not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I dwell: But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac" (24:3, 4). Basically, this Scripture implies that we must examine our relationship to evaluate whether or not we have a sufficient foundation for marriage. As we look at the intellectual, social, spiritual, and physical aspects of our relationship, do we have a common base with the person we are dating? Partners don't have to be identical in the way they think and feel, but there should be similarities, especially in terms of the big issues of life. The first deciding factor is whether this person is a believer. Another key question to ask is this: Does my dating partner have visions of family and ministry that are compatible to mine?

2) The Principle of Divine Activity.

"God will send his angel before you, and you shall take a wife unto my son." Do you think God was any more concerned about Isaac than about your relationship? God is involved in your dating relationships. Are you seeing Him at work? Are you getting positive feedback from Christians who are concerned about you? Your parents, pastor, peers, and others? Therefore, pray before you date, as you date, as you get engaged, and during your marriage.

3) The Principle of Beauty.

"The damsel was very fair to look upon" (v.16). We are not suggesting that you marry a beauty queen, but the person you marry should be attractive to you. You should feel good about the way he or she looks. Of course, beauty is more than skin deep, so you should also ask: Does this person have a beautiful character?

4) The Principle of Morality.

She was ". . . a virgin . . . neither had any man known her" (v.16). Rebekah and Isaac were people of godly character. We are not suggesting that if you have been unfaithful in sexual purity you have lost the war and are not worthy of a good man or woman. What we are saying is that if you are not sexually involved, great. If you are, stop now and begin a life of purity before God. Repent and turn to God to make you strong.

5) The Principle of Parents.

In the story of Isaac and Rebekah, 67 verses, over half ofthis entire passage deals with this couple in relationship to their parents. For example, after meeting Abraham's servants at the well, Rebekah told her parents about what had happened (v. 28). Dating couples should seek their parents' wisdom, and fully share relevant information with them. Allow parents to play a constructive part by asking their opinion about your choices. They probably know you better than anyone else, so they can assess the strengths and weaknesses that you bring to the dating relationship. It may even be profitable to wait for your parents approval before getting married. If possible, seek the blessing from parents on both sides of the family. Of course, all of this can vary depending on your relationship with your parents, the extenuating circumstances, and the attitude of the parents. If children and parents are on good terms, parental involvement can be a wonderful resource for dating couples.

6) The Principle of Timing.

Evidence of these principle in this passage (v. 19, 21, 49): a) Don't jump the gun. Test the relationship with time and prayer. Give God time to reveal His will.

b) Once the green lights are flashing, don't wait for a vision in the night! (v. 56). This principle is for the person who has a great deal of trouble making decisions.

7) The Principle of God's Will.

You must be deeply convinced that this marriage is the work of God; that God in His infinite wisdom has brought you together and intends that you live your lives in union with each other and with Him. Anything less than this conviction is something less than a Biblical basis for marriage. Even love, by whatever definition, comes and goes, but the will of God is constant (v. 67). "And she became his wife; and he loved her."

Other suggestions from this passage:

1) Make much of gifts. (v. 22, 53)

2) Go where the guys and girls are that you want to meet. Isaac went to where the girls were each evening: the community well (v.11).

3) Make the spiritual component of your relationships central. Couples who are moving toward marriage ought to regularly pray together, study the scriptures together, attend worship services together, and discuss their aspirations and visions together.

4) Be faithful in the routine. Do you practice faithfulness in your service and obedience to God? All of life is meant to be lived in fellowship with Christ, including the mundane.

5) Be kind. Rebekah was not so self-centered that she was unable to serve others.

6) Share your joys with your parents. When Rebekah realized that she loved Isaac, she told her parents (v. 28). So should you.