One of the greatest testimonies that Christian couples can give the world is marriages that reflect the glory of God. Christian marriages don't have to be perfect to mirror the beauty of God's vision for the family. Marriages that are centered in Christ reflect His unconditional love and forgiveness.

Unfortunately, our society and our churches are filled with marriages that are floundering or have come to an end. Over half of the marriages today in our country end in divorce, including Christian marriages.

According to modern reasoning, the greatest cause of divorce today is the sense that "I'm not happy anymore." We do not see marriage as a prison for a man or a woman as might be portrayed on a weekly sitcom, but as a divine institution established by God to be a place where both partners can grow and flourish in God's grace and love. A place where husband and wife find completeness and fulfillment and a place where children can find development, love, and maturity.

Like anything worth having in life, a good marriage takes time, energy, and most of all commitment. Commitment to what God has to say about marriage, commitment to our spouse, and commitment to obedience in prayer and God's Word, and direction from the Holy Spirit. We are called to persevere beyond the natural stresses of life, disobedience through sin, and unexpected crises that come upon us. Good marriages don't just happen - they are made!!!

Here are ten Biblical building blocks that make marriages work:

The ten major points and Scripture that is italicized is from What Will Make my Marriage Work? ("Crucial Questions," A Radio Bible Class Publication, 1986). Un-highlighted material is from this ministry.

1) The first building block of a godly marriage is lifelong commitment.

Jesus said, "Have you not read that He who made them has in the beginning made them male and female, and said, `For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to be his wife and the two shall become one flesh?' So then they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matthew 19:4-6).

Then in response to the question of divorce, Jesus continued:

"Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (v. 8, 9).

The marriage vow is to be a lifelong commitment. The Scripture only gives two grounds for divorce: sexual unfaithfulness and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. Physical abuse and other extreme cases can be dealt with though help of the church by way of church discipline, temporary separation, finding a safe environment for the victim, or appropriate measures set forth in Biblical guidelines.

2) The second building block is this: Marriage is a place of shared identity. In a marriage that works, a husband and a wife see themselves as one. No longer is a man living his life for himself and a woman living her life for herself.

There is now one union, a new family, a new unit. Adam expressed this shared identity when God brought him the woman, and he said, "This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." . . . And they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:23, 24).

3) Marriage is a place of absolute faithfulness. Marriage calls for total fidelity on the part of the husband and the wife. They are to be true to one another. The writer of Proverbs cautions:

"Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:27-29).

Paul told Titus to have the older women in the church instruct the younger women in the church ". . . to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste . . ." (2:4, 5).

Adultery is forbidden in the Bible. "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14).

And Paul named adultery first in his list of the sins of the flesh (Galatians 5:19).

Here are the implications of absolute faithfulness--the third building block of marriage:

• We will concentrate our love on our mate.
• We will not be disloyal in little matters.
• We will not be involved in flirtations.
• We will flee from temptation.
• We will control our fantasies.

4) The fourth building block of a biblical marriage is that it will have well-defined roles.

According to the Bible, the husband's role within the family is to be a servant-leader. Paul said, "But I want you to know that the head of every wife is man and the head of Christ is God" (1 Corinthians 11:3). "For the husband is the head of the wife . . . " (Ephesians 5:23). What does this mean? It means that the husband is to provide responsible leadership without being dictatorial or blindly self-serving. Biblically, his leadership is to:

• Provide in love (Eph. 5:25; Col. 3:19).
• Follow the example of Christ's love for the church (Eph 5:25).
• Be done with understanding (1 Peter 3:7).
• Be done without bitterness (Col. 3:19).
• Equal his love for his own body (Eph. 5:28).

The wife's role, as instructed in the Bible, is to follow the leadership of her husband. For example: "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord" (Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18).

"Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands" (1 Peter 3:1). "Admonish the young women . . . to be . . . obedient to their own husbands" (Titus 2:4,5)

A good marriage is one in which both husband and wife allow their individual strengths to be used in the marriage, including the ability to make decisions. Even though the final decision lies with him, a wise husband will consult his wife.

5) A fifth building block for a marriage that works is love - genuine, heartfelt, through thick and thin, till death-us-do-part love. Both husbands and wives are admonished to love their spouses this way (Eph. 5:25,Titus 2:4). Real love as described in 1 Corinthians 13 "is patient, kind, does not envy, boast, is not proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, does not keep a record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the the truth; it always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and never fails." Only God through the Holy Spirit can help us to have this type of love.

6) A working marriage is one that demonstrates mutual submission. "And do not be drunk with wine, which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit . . . submitting to one another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:18, 21). Having the "mind of Christ" produces mutual submission. Here is a partial list of what this kind of submission looks like.

• Marriage is give and take--not take.
• Marriage is a struggle of wills.
• Marriage is overcoming self.
• Marriage is being a servant.
• Marriage is giving up and giving in.
• Marriage is doing dishes when she's too tired.
• Marriage is laundering his favorite shirts.

a) It is protective. "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (1 Cor. 7:2). The sexual union protects their faithfulness.

b) It is to be enjoyed. Proverbs 5:15 says, "Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well. Should your foundations be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love."

c) Fulfillment is to be expected. "Let the husband render to his wife the affections due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (1 Cor. 7:3,4).

"Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (1 Cor. 7:5).

8) A healthy marriage practices active communication. The Family Services Association discovered in a survey that 87 percent of husbands and wives interviewed said the main problem in their marriages was lack of communication.

Here are a few primary reasons for breakdown in communications:

• They take each other for granted.
• The want to avoid a confrontation.
• They are obsessed with their own interests.
• They feel that they are being manipulated.
• They are too busy to take the time.
• They don't want to hurt the other person.

• Husbands need to talk to their wives.
• Wives need to talk to their husbands.
• Every problem should be talked through, together.
• Opportunities for talking should be valued.

• Avoid rehashing old conversations.
• Start on the fact level.
• Move to the feeling and conviction level.

9) A working marriage gives mutual respect.

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice, and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you" (Col. ?

Speaking to the wives Paul said, "Let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Eph. 5:33).

1 Peter 3:7 stresses three instructions for husbands to follow:

1) Dwell with [your wives] with understanding. Know your wife well so that you can respect her feelings.

2) "Give honor. . . as to the weaker vessel." Treat her as a very precious and valuable creation of God.

3) ". . . being joint heirs together of the grace of life, a man must respect his wife and not rob the joy of life God created her to have"

10) Finally, in a healthy marriage, there must be spiritual companionship.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies" (Eph. 5:25-28).

Therefore, husbands and wives should:

• Worship together.
• Seek God's will together.
• Serve Christ together.
• Raise children together.
• Pray together.
• Strengthen one another's faith.
• Accept the authority of God's Word together.

If you are in a marriage that is in process of putting these building blocks into practice, we thank you for being an example to those around you. If many of these above building blocks are not a part of your relationship, we pray that you will begin charting a new course. We know that sometimes marriage can be very hard, and you may be in a very difficult marriage. But we want to encourage you to get help because there is hope. Contact your church, your pastor, or us and we can help you get on a path to healing and hope.

Only God can breathe new life into a troubled marriage. But He does it as we stick it out and battle for the blessings that are ours to receive.

We value marriage so much that we admonish couples to go through premarital counseling in which they complete a questionnaire that can help them see the strengths and weakness of the relationship. Premarital counseling and testing can help you see your relationship more objectively. If there are serious problems, these can be worked on, or in some cases couples are advised to postpone getting married.

There are many resources available today that can be ordered through the Internet or a local Christian bookstore. In our "link and reference" section of our web site we encourage you to get educated about what it takes to make a marriage work. If you are just plain stuck in your relationship, please mail us, and we will be glad to get you started towards a marriage that works and that is fulfilling because Christ will be at the center of it.